The Very Dull Weight Loss Post

Darling readers, I know that when I promise you food, you expect food. And then you get silence. Why? I'll tell you why. I've been trying to drop some chub. I'll tell you further that I haven't been to Coney Island to parade my flab around this year because I could not even bear the sight of myself in last year's bikini. I haven't been to kung fu class in a year, now. (Life changes, moving around, trying to save money, being lazy, etc.) I am in deplorable shape. Sigong Shum would cry.

But I am here to tell you I dropped five pounds in the last two weeks because I finally caved in, per my usual schedule when it comes to trends, to the cut-out-the-carbohydrates fad that hit about four years ago.

I was complaining to my gal pal in L.A., "I'm a tub."

She said, "Just stop eating carbs."

"No," I said.

She said, "It drops the fat so fast you won't even believe it. No white flour, no sugar."

I moaned.

She said, "Do you want to lose it or what?"

I wanted to lose it.

So what the hell have I been eating?

Lettuce. Lots and lots of lettuce. With stuff in it.

Stuff to Put in Lettuce: Ground Turkey Goes Asian
1 head Bibb (Boston) lettuce, leaves separated out, washed, and dried
1 lb ground turkey
1 small onion or large shallot, finely diced
1 jalapeño pepper, seeds discarded, finely diced
2 tablespoons minced ginger
1 tablespoon minced garlic
1 can water chestnuts, drained and diced
2 small carrots, cut into matchsticks
1/2 cup chopped cilantro
2 scallions, thinly sliced
3 tablespoons oil for frying (canola or peanut)
Cut lemon

Sauce:
1/4 cup hoisin sauce
2 tablespoons soy sauce
2 tablespoons rice vinegar
1 tablespoon sugar (I cheated, I eat sugar, so sue me)
1 tablespoon sesame oil

Mix all the ingredients for the sauce in a small bowl and set aside. Heat the oil in a large skillet or wok over medium-high heat. When it's hot, add onions and stir until beginning to brown. Add jalapeño, ginger, and garlic, and stir for a few seconds. Then add the carrots and water chestnuts, and stir for a minute. Then add ground turkey, breaking it up with your wooden spoon. Break that stuff up. Go on. Get it nice and itty bitty. Turn up the heat a little if you can, and cook until all the liquid evaporates and the turkey is cooked through. Add the sauce and stir to coat until it's heated through and evaporated a little. Then stir in the cilantro and scallions and take it off the heat. Serve it by spooning it into lettuce leaves and squeezing a little lemon juice over it right before you eat it.

Now, if I weren't in an anti-carb phase I would take this ground turkey business and put it over noodles or rice, but life is tough.

Stuff to Put in Lettuce: Fish Again

Remember my fish fry with the tartar sauce? Fried fish with tartar sauce is awesome in lettuce. Take note. And yes, it's a cheat to have the flour on the fish. You can leave the flour off the fish. Or you can leave it on and I won't tell on you.

Stuff to Put in Lettuce: Egg Salad

What do I have for breakfast? I'm glad you asked.

4 hardboiled eggs (we're making enough for two servings here), peeled and coarsely chopped
2 stalks celery, diced
1 shallot, finely diced
2 tablespoons fresh chopped parsley
2 tablespoons fresh chopped dill (or 1 tablespoon dried)
2 tablespoons mayonnaise
Salt and pepper to taste
Paprika if you like to say, "Paprika"

Put it all in a bowl and mash it up and stir it until it looks like egg salad. Ooh, you know what else? Black olives are a beautiful thing with egg salad. Chill it for twenty minutes so all the flavors meld (I'm looking at you, shallot), then spoon it onto lettuce leaves and try not to think of toast.

I will not pretend to you that I don't feel the starvation. I feel it. I think I may even be getting the dreaded carb-cutter's breath.

But my thighs aren't rubbing together any more!

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Image nabbed from Square Foot Gardening